Sometimes, I think my best friend hates me. You know those jokes about the girlfriend or boyfriend that is kinda ugly so they’re only good enough to date in he winter since a lot of people don’t go out much then? I’m starting to feel like that’s all I’m good enough for, and then not even that. I get that she has a life and other friends and a husband, but sometimes it would be nice just to be invited to go do something. I get it, I’m going through a difficult time financially right now, but why not at least call? Just ask me to do something? Even if I can’t go, it would be nice to be asked. Or just cal me. Not even to go do anything, but just to talk. I know, I know, I should do the same, but every time I call or text I always feel like I’m intruding or interfering with something going on. Because there is ALWAYS something going on. And I’m always interfering. I just don’t know what to do. When I try to discuss it with you, you always make it seem like its my fault, like I’m the one to blame. I know I can pick up the phone and call or text just as easily. But don’t you think I feel left out? I mean, it hurts when you call me your best friend, I was your made of honor, but now it’s like you don’t have time for me. Like life is working out great for you, but I’m sitting on the sidelines waiting for my turn. And don’t get me wrong it’s not just you, I have a lot of crap to work through and deal with. I’m just blaming THIS part on you.
Sometimes, I need to remind myself that there is a reason I’m still single. I’m also practical and realize that I don’t ever allow myself the opportunity to meet people. I go to work and go home, go to work and go home. Sometimes I go to the grocery store or gas station. I’ve tried my hand at online dating. I still have a profile on a site. It’s been there off and on for around 5 years. Not one date has come from it. Funny story, though. I saw this cute guy on there once, he turned out to be the best man at my best friend’s wedding. I was the maid of honor. Yep, that didn’t lead to anything, either. There was a potential lead on there a little over a year ago, I was talking with this guy. He never did want to meet. I was fronds with a co-worker of his, found out he either had a girlfriend at the time or had just gotten out of a relationship. When we had the chance to meet, he decided he was no longer interested in me. And that has been it lately. I try to offer advice to all my friends when they are having relationship problems, but it never seems to be the right advice. Who can blame them for not listening to me? I mean, I wouldn’t. Maybe I should become a marriage counsellor. I mean, if you can be the President of the United States without any real experience, then why not be a marriage counsellor without ever having been in a real relationship? One thing I’m starting to figure out is that living with my parents at 23 isn’t really all that great for dating in today’s world. My parents are old school. If I’m out late, they call and tell me to get home. If I were to date, they aren’t allowed to stay the night. Heck, they wouldn’t be allowed past the bathroom! Sometimes, I feel like I’m the lonely, desperate girl. Well, at least half of that is true, I am lonely. But I dot think I’m desperate. What is considered desperate these days? Being single? Dating multiple guys at once? I don’t really know. Maybe I should ask my friends if that’s how they think of me. Hell, they’d lie to me, they always do, because they don’t want to hurt me. At New Year’s this year, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish this year. Goals, but not resolutions. One of the items on that list was to go on a date. Well, here we are in October, and that hasn’t happened yet. And I honestly don’t think it’s going to happen by the end of the year. I give up. I’ll probably be an old maid. I’ll die a virgin at 87, never having been married. And not having gone on a date since I was 18. Just 64 more years to go…
Maybe I shouldn’t care as much. I know I’ve not had as much time to get together and hang out for a long time, and I know I’m just the boring friend that gets called when you don’t have anything else to do or anyone to go out with, but I’m pretty sure I deserve better than being 3rd or 4th best. Yeah, I don’t even feel like I get 2nd best anymore. That is really sad. I love seeing how you tell your other friends how much you miss them and want to get together soon, but don’t tell me anything until I ask about it. And then it’s usually just tell me what I asked and them you have to go. We don’t talk to catch up anymore. I wish we could. But I’m afraid that we’ve just grown too far apart. And I don’t think it can be fixed.
Sometimes, I look at pictures and posts on Facebook, and realize that I get left out of a lot of things over time. My closest friends do things and go places and make memories, and I sit at home, bored. I don’t get invited out. And it’s not like I can just invite myself, because I don’t even know what is happening, and it’s rude to just invite yourself to something. Sometimes, I wonder if these people actually like me, or if there is something wrong with me that they never bother to do anything with me. Am I bad company? I try to make conversation and listen to what they say. Am I ugly? I can put on make up if they think it might help. Am I too fat for them? I can make myself lose weight. Am I just the person they call when there is no one else? I don’t know how to change that one. I’m a good listener. I don’t spill secrets- I learned that the hard way. Am I too plain? Am I boring? I can be more exciting. Am I too nice? I just don’t like being rude to people and making them feel bad. Am I too rude? I can be nicer. Is it because I’m single? I’ve left that one up to God. Is it because I live with my parents? It’s cheaper this way. Do people not like me? Or do they just forget about me? Am I forgettable? I can try to be more memorable. Do I not call or text enough? I try to let them have their own lives and not bother them while they are with family or working or busy. Do I call or text too much? I can cut back on how often I call or text if that’s what it is. I’d just like to know why I get left out. Why it seems like people don’t like me or want me around. I wish I just knew these things.
